The tearing of the heart.....

I feel like a piece of my heart is being ripped savagely out of my chest…Like a band-aid slowly being eased off a wound. It’s now less than two weeks until I leave. I beginning “the lasts”… From little things, like, “This is the last time, I’ll cut my brother’s hair.” To things more significant such as, “This is the last time I’ll probably celebrate my dad’s birthday with him.”

I don’t quite understand still why God would choose me... Or how He’s going to use me. The humanity in me keeps screaming at me and telling me I’m too young to be leaving, and I’m not ready for this…that I’m simply running away….but some other part of me, is so at peace. This is right. I know I’m not too young. Saint Paul said to Saint Timothy: “Let no one look down upon your youth; but be an example to those who believe, in word, in your way of life, in love, in spirit, in faith and in purity.” (1 Tim. 4:12)

Because I’m entering the convent, people have accused me of running away. Running away from life, from hardships, from relationships… It’s kind of hilarious. If this is supposed to be easy, someone PLEASE tell me what I’m doing wrong! This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I haven’t even left yet! I am not running away from anything. I’m running towards something. I’ve found the pearl of great price. (Mt. 13:45-46) I know I’m not making a mistake by selling everything in exchange for this treasure. This pearl is worth everything…and more.

I must be honest and tell you that my heart writhes with pain as I prepare to leave my family. It’s my dad’s birthday today and was having a particularly hard day emotionally. Praise God for Adoration! I was able to go the chapel at St. Peter’s for my family’s adoration hour this evening. After spending time with Jesus in adoration this evening, I was comforted by these words: “Fear not, Beloved. You are safe; Take courage and be strong.” (Daniel 10:19)

I know that what I’m doing with my life may seem crazy and irrational…but when the God of the universe asks you to marry Him, what are you supposed to do? Say no? J LOL

(I am fully aware of how strange that last sentence or two sounded…but hey, it’s true!)

I know I am not alone. “I have called you by name. You are mine.” (Isaiah 43:1) What a marvelous God we have.